A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood. A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?" "Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"

One night Uncle Zeke was caught driving the wrong way on a one way street. The policeman asked "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "To tell the truth, I don't remember, but I must be late 'cause it looks like everybody's coming back!"

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.














































The Hidden language Dictionary The classified car advert... MUST SELL ..before it blows up. RUNS FINE ..I was going to say "runs excellent" but my conscience overuled. NEEDS SOME BODY WORK..was blindsided by a Winnebego. WELL-MAINTAINED ..even Original oil not touched. LOOKS LIKE NEW ..just don't try to drive it anywhere. ALL ORIGINAL ..I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced. LOADED WITH OPTIONS..each one more troublesome than the next. NEVER SMOKED IN ..unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it. PROJECT CAR ..doesn't run. LOTS OF POTENTIAL ..for the mechanic-shop business NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ..to make it stand on its tyres





















Cared Life Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman













Who, me Driving wrong no....!!! ... As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"













Driving in Jersey Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey: Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes. When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.


























Yorked Driving Rules For Driving In New York City When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. Always look both ways when running a red light. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Making eye contact revokes your right of way. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.






















No bull shitting in Arkansas The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

This is a more than a 20 year old joke, Mostly use in Lectures on Computing,
to point out Computer technology growth. Now, in its another form

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
• The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
• The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
• Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US
NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW. Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars.
-Will Durst

Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated.
-Jean Baudrillard

Baseball is like driving, it's the one who gets home safely that counts.
-Tommy Lasorda

Refer: http://www.littletechshoppe.com/ns1625/automobiles.html

1923 April 15 2:00am

At 2:00am on Sunday, 15 April 1923, the "rule of the road" changed, in Nova Scotia. After this day, all traffic moves on the right-hand side of the road. Previously, automobiles, streetcars, horses, bicyclists, and all other vehicles and travellers adhered to the left-hand side of the road. Since 1 December 1922 there had been a problem for automobile drivers who crossed the border between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick on that date New Brunswick had switched to driving on the right-hand side of the road, while Nova Scotia remained with the left-side rule. For four and a half months, drivers crossing the border in both directions had to remember to change to the other side of the road, and even with the relatively low traffic levels of that day there were some near-misses resulting from this conflict.

Nova Scotia Tramways & Power Company Limited, which owned and operated the electric streetcar system in Halifax, sued the provincial government to recover the cost of changing the doors on all streetcars to the other side, and the cost of changes in track layout. In Lunenburg County, 1923 is still known as The Year of Free Beef; the price of beef dropped precipitously because oxen which had been trained to keep to the left could not be retrained oxen are notoriously slow-witted and many teamsters had to replace their oxen with new ones trained to keep to the right; the displaced oxen were sent to slaughter.

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